The Guilt Complex gone Kusch-style

The guilt complex, my friends, is something that I have always been tortured by. Though at the same time, I feel like it has kept me out of lots of trouble too.

It seems that my own guilt complex has altered itself though in the last couple years, and I can't make sense of it.  

Chris always tells me that I apologize too much, but I don't think I can help it. I always feel like everything is my fault, or like I'm the cause of everyone's inconvenience. I'm not upset about this, cause I don't think it really hurts anyone, but I don't understand it.

Here's an example that someone brought up a couple weeks ago. 

--All of my friends know or at some point knew that I can't eat gluten. I've had to explain to everyone what it is, what it does, show them the rash on my hand that acts up when I eat it, etc, etc, etc.  I don't mind sharing that with people, but I feel like I inconvenience them by it. I try not to mention it if food isn't brought up, and it usually comes up by someone talking about pizza or something, and I'll say something to the effect of "ooo, I wish I could eat that" or something like that.

The part where this gets distressing is when people invite me out to eat---at a place where I know I can't eat anything. It works out fine if I already ate or if I'm not hungry and I can just get a drink, but 98% of the time, it's during a meal time when I actually need to eat.  This whole blog could probably go into another blog about how I can't say no, but I'll leave that for now.  

I feel bad that when people invite me out, I have to put a stipulation on where we go. That doesn't seem fair to me. I tried to do the whole "stick it out" kind of thing during the school year and I went to Pizza Hut with Chamber Singers a couple times for lunch...but... 1) That doesn't exactly leave me anytime to eat when I get back since I have a 1pm class, 2) Technically I could scarf down some salad at the salad bar, but it tastes like shit, and cost $5.99 or something like that for crappy lettuce and horrible toppings...3) I can't even begin to describe how hard it is to sit and sip on a root beer or coke and watch everyone around me eat one of the primary foods that I miss most, not to mention the wonderful aroma of pizza surrounding me! I wanna cry, but I don't want to look weak. I want to leave, but that would look bad too. I want to complain, but then people are like "oh, well that sucks..."-- and whether they mean it or not, I don't want people feeling bad for me.  That just makes me feel even guiltier. 

Well, I don't know where that leaves me. I don't feel resolved about anything, but at least I got it out of my system, right?

BTW, I just found out that the Flinstone Gummy Vitamins that I have been eating for many months have gluten. SOAB.

Why I Failed the First Time

Other than the fact that my post is a total TWSS, I thought it was about time I explain the title and subtitle of my blog.

I went to college directly after high school, just like most people are doing these days, and I was all excited about starting something new and being part of something different. I wanted to learn. I wanted to sing with an amazing director and choir. I wanted a new start. Perhaps part of the problem was that I didn't go far enough away from home... but I digress.
I lasted two years. At the beginning of every semester I was fine. I studied.. kind of, I did my homework... for the most part, I sang my heart out in choir and I showed up to class. Not even halfway through every semester, I started ditching classes, ignoring homework, and forgot about studying. I couldn't wake up in the morning, and would lie lethargically on my couch/bed and stare at the TV for hours and hours. I didn't take care of myself, my room was disgustingly messy, I made up excuses for myself and I almost gave up completely. I should have known that something was terribly wrong when I couldn't even get up to go to choir, my true love. I left my first college with a GPA of 1.8.

I found out three years after I dropped out of college that I had Lyme disease. By the way, it's Lyme not Lymes.. just fyi. I also found out I was allergic to gluten (wheat). Gluten is nothing compared to Lyme though. Lyme almost killed my mother, on more than one occasion, it made one sister so sick she had to do homeschooling, it made the other sister so sick that her boyfriend couldn't even deal with her and dumped her because of it, and it just pissed me off royally. When I found out I had it, my first fear was the fear of having to swallow pills and possibly to have a PIC or central line put in. #1. I don't do pills. I HATE pills. (I work in a pharmacy btw, which isn't ironic at all.) #2. I don't think I could take care of myself sufficiently if I had a PIC line put into my body whether it be in my chest or in my arm. That's just scary. My second thought when I found out I had Lyme was "Oh, well that explains a lot..." My doctor explained that I had probably had Lyme for the better of five to seven years. She also explained that I had a co-infection called Babesia which acts like Malaria, which explained a lot of the constant fatigue. She said that being allergic to gluten and not knowing it made it worse. Eating gluten also added to the fatigue.

After going on meds for the better half of a year, I noticed a great improvement in energy and overall feeling. I couldn't remember the last time I had that much energy. I lost close to 30 pounds when I was on meds and since I wasn't eating gluten anymore, it stayed off.
Luckily for me, I met a nice lady through the Lyme disease support group in our area and I was feeling so much better that she actually helped me get back to college. I owe her a lot.

I am now back in college for a second time, and much farther away from home :)
I met a whole new group of friends, who are amazing I might add, and I feel like I can truly be myself down here. I'm actually succeeding at college now and have managed to pull my overall GPA over 3.1 which is awesome!

That was probably too much information for one post, but whatevs, it's my blog... right?

Have a wonderful morning people, and remember that life is good :)